An interesting few days...

I really haven't been myself these last few days. I've been in a funk i guess you would say.

I don't know what it is. I have my ideas but as to whether that's the actual reason or not. I don't know.

I told Lindsey that a reason i think I've been somewhat insecure these last few days is because i just lost my grandma and many would say i didn't grieve properly. Truth is.. I think they're right. I've really only cried once since she passed. Once again i thought i had to be the strong one for everyone. With me doing that i think i kind of suppressed some of my emotions and those are starting to make an appearance now.

I lost my grandma. A major person in my life is gone and it scares me that there are times that its difficult for me to remember how she looked... How her voice sounds... Everything that i use to take for granted and was use to seems to be a memory that i need to hold onto in fear i may lose that connection i have.. The only real connection i have.

So yeah. I lost my grandma and i think in part of my grieving Im afraid of losing other people in my life. Not just from death. But just people no longer being in my life the way they are now. I know that Linds is aware of this since ive told her how Im feeling.

I havent been treating her right these last few days... I really feel like I've been failing as a boyfriend and not making her as happy as i could. When I've been in my funk.. Id go quiet and not talk much... We have to cherish the time that we have together because, as of right now, its not all the time that we can see each other.

Im leaving tonight.. And i think it may be the most difficult departure ive had. I know were seeing each other in 17 days for Hawaii and stuff.. And i can't wait for that. But its the days apart that frighten me. Linds is my security blanket. She's the one who is always there for me. To console me and hold me and let me know that everything will be ok. There's been a few times this trip where she's done just that. Most apparent would be laying in bed one night.. I was having a real tough time with everything and my grandma was on my mind. Linds just laid there with me. Running her hand along my cheek comforting me and telling me everything is going to be alright. I guess that's the thing that scares me is that.. Im still going through this and know that she won't be there to give me a kiss and console me. I know she will do everything she can to make it as easy for me. She's amazing in that way.

She's amazing in countless ways. I remember she told me a while ago that she doesn't think she deserves me... Doesn't deserve to be treated the way i treat her... Truth be told. Its the opposite. I question myself as to how i was able to get a girl like her. Someone so intelligent. So determined and driven... Someone so beautiful.

I was laying in bed last night and thinking to myself about how we came to be. The girl from the forum for clubs. Who became an msn contact. Who became a texting contact. Which eventually turned into long phone calls.

She was the girl that i always told id meet up with at the stampede and never did. The girl that would take time out of her busy schedule just to speak to me for a bit.

She's been there for me through a lot. Through tears of joy and sorrow. Through big news and bad. She was the one person i could always count on and was usually the first one id always go to about something major. She would know before my family knew on most occasions.

So as i lay here on the couch. On my last day here. Im sad because Im leaving. But happy because we've done so much. Were doing what we always said we would; building memories and going on adventures.

My grandma wouldn't want me to be sad. She would want me to be happy. To celebrate her life and know that there will always be a piece of her in me. Sometimes i hate how much emotions can alter your mood.

Lindsey didn't deserve to have to deal with me while i was this way. But she did. Just confirms how amazing of a girl she is. And why Im so lucky to have her.

I really do wish that i could find the words to tell her just what she means to me. I've been looking for those words for a long time. Perhaps one day they will come to me.

Just by writing this its made me feel a bit better about everything. :)