My last blog post was about insecurities.. General for the most part.
As I said, I have my insecurities and my flaws. Lately they've really kind of stood out and made me more aware of them. I know that I have to change.. that I can't keep living my life the way I am all while hoping to get ahead.
I originally was going to just write to myself either on paper or on word or something. I'm sure some of the issues will get personal.. they will hurt me (I already know which one will be the most difficult to write..).. but I think it's good to have it out there. I know this blog gets like, no views. But perhaps one day it may be more popular and people will read it and someone will read one of the posts I made and it will help them to face their issues and deal with them; hopefully making themselves a better person at the same time.
I have been writing down some things already over the last few days, but I think I'm just going to start to write about one thing and see where it takes me, compare that to what I had written down before and edit.
So here goes nothing...
My first one isn't really so much of an insecurity, but more of a sociable flaw : Speaking without thinking.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
I remember being told this as a kid by my parents. That you shouldn't let words get to you, because that's what they are, just words. This was clearly at a time where we were all young kids and obviously didn't have much care in the world.
As I grew up, my mom started to tell me "You have to be careful with your words, they carry a lot more weight than people think, and once you say something you can't take it back."
How. True.
I'm sure everyone has ran into this at one point in their lives, whether they were the ones who blurted something out, or they were on the receiving end. It's true, words hurt and can be very damaging. I know that I've caught myself where I've said something and then right after I said it it's like "shit...." and I instantly regretted it.
Have you ever had one of those days, where you just don't feel like you? Maybe it's been a bad day at work or you have a lot of things going on in your life and you feel like you're being pulled one way or another and just feel mentally and physically beat up? Where the smallest of things could set you off and get on your nerves. That's usually when you're most susceptible to having this happening to you. I remember when I had my surgery... I woke up from the anesthetic and was heading home and just remember my parents getting on my nerves and they weren't doing anything to deserve me to lash out. I was just so exhausted that it felt like I had a short fuse and would blow up at anything.
I usually don't have this issue too many times. I think I run into the issue of not wording myself properly and giving off the wrong impression more than I do this. But at least with me not wording myself properly, there is no damage done since all you have to do is clarify yourself. You speak without thinking and you're projecting actions that you may not necessarily stand behind. This happened to me recently and I always find myself looking back, wondering why I said it. There was a lot of stuff going on in my life at the time: We had a "celebration of life" for my grandma which brought up a lot of memories/emotions... I've always tried to be the "strong" one that people can come to in situations like that. Also, I took over my dad's company and was in the process of being down in the states which usually means 10-12 hour days, etc. There was a lot going on, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. If I had just pulled myself back for even 5 seconds, I could have prevented myself from saying what I did. You know when you kinda just "pull yourself together" and get back on track. Yeah, that's what I should have done. But it happened and now I'm dealing with the consequences.
I'd like to think I'm usually good with words. Like I said, there are times where my point gets misconstrued and doesn't really deliver what I want it to, but I'm usually pretty good with being able to clear things up and get my original point across.
I'm usually pretty good when it comes to saying things without thinking. So it doesn't happen very often, but it has happened. I don't remember the last time it happened prior to this past incident. My mom taught me well to always think before you say things. I have to be more aware of myself and the things my mouth/fingers say/type.
Words cut deep, and they can very easily leave a scar behind that will always be a reminder of pain caused.
So what do I do?
Well. As I said, this isn't something that happens often with me. But at least I know the warning signs to look out for. It's just that feeling you get that it's hard to put words on.. when you're easily irritated and are in the "me" zone where you don't want anyone to bother you. When I catch myself in situations like that, I need to remove myself from situations where I could cause harm. Whether that be removing myself all together, or simply just stepping away for a short period of time to regain my composure.
At least this is an easy one to fix...
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